Catherine Corley - Where I Have Been

Hello to all my friends!  I haven't written lately because I have been pretty empty.  I have had a lot of words in my mind and in my heart, but have had trouble expressing them in a blogging format or sometimes even just outloud.  But not today!  Today my heart is filled with joy and peace!

So, here it goes.  I was diagnosed with a tumor on my ovary on December 21.  I was shocked and discouraged to find this out.  It was found simply by accident, although with God, there are no accidents.  It was discovered in a sonogram I had for another diagnostic purpose.  There it was!  In plain view to the radiologist and then my doctor.  

A life changing moment.  I was so shocked when the doctor called.  I didn't know how to believe it.  I found out in one short phone call that this tumor, which is bigger than a walnut, is changing my life. In just a short moment, I found out I would be having a radical hysterectomy as soon as possible and that I would be thrown into instant menopause.  Me?  Really?  I was in shock.  How could things change so quickly?  I will see the surgical oncologist in two days.

My first reaction was disbelief.  I couldn't believe it.  Then I went into a couple of days of non-stop crying and panic attacks.  Then I started learning the facts.  That's when "CATHY" showed up again.  I was shocked to learn that 15,000 American women die of ovarian cancer ever year.  That's just in America!  Mostly, they die because there aren't regular tests performed to check for ovarian cancer and by the time there are symptoms, it is often too late.  I don't have any of the usual symptoms, most of which are more gastrointestinal in nature, so you would never believe they are related to an ovary.  There really should be more screening for this disease, but I will get on that "soap box" another day.

I have struggled through the last week.  For 90% of each day, I'm on fire for the cause.  I would be the national spokesperson for ovarian cancer awareness if they would have me.  The other 10% of the day, I feel sorry for myself and I cry and I panic and I pace and...guess what...I eat!  Yep, I'm always going to be a chubby girl on the inside.  I'm afraid to workout.  What if I hurt myself?  Crazy thoughts and crazy feelings...10% of the day.  

But God brings me through each day.  He holds me when I feel alone.  He sends people into my life to comfort me before I know I need to be comforted.  Yesterday, I saw so many old and new friends at church.  A few old friends from my childhood were visiting.  Many new friends were there as well.  Then there are my regular friends who have been there with me all along.  I am so blessed.  Each week I am surrounded by people I love and I get more than my share of hugs, even when nothing is "wrong" with me!

Yesterday, one of the visiting friends was a "girl" I've known since I was 12.  She is a lovely and vibrant person who now lives in California.  I hadn't had the privilege of speaking with her in a long time.  She embraced me with a warmth most humans rarely feel.  She prayed for me with a group of friends, holding hands with me and around me.  I wish I had it on my iPad so I could listen to that prayer of encouragement and hope over and over again.  She changed my life...in that single moment.

I have hope and I have strength.  At first, I was embarrassed to tell people that I had an ovarian tumor and needed a radical hysterectomy.  What would people think?  That was very short lived.  Now, it is empowering.  If one woman gets checked because of this girl, my pain will not be in vain.

The words of one of my favorite songs come to mind, I'm Trading My Sorrows:

I'm trading my sorrows
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord.

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord.

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the course for His promise will endure
His joy's gonna be my strength.

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning.

Hey, I'm not ashamed.  I'm not destroyed.  I'm empowered and I'm protected and most of all, I am loved.  Joy will come!  I'm counting on it.  He's promised it to me!

Take care and be in good health!  

Catherine Corley - Extra Love for the Single Parents

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."  Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)  

Many of you know that I was a single mom for many years.  My husband left when my kids were ten and eight.  I was very blessed because I bought the house next door to my adoring parents, but life was really difficult.  It meant a lot of changes.  I had been working part-time so I could be home with the kids, so I had to change my hours to more than full-time.  In addition, he left December 1 which meant Christmas time, so I didn't know how I was going to handle that.  Also, I had just taken my children out of the inadequate elementary school and was "temporarily" homeschooling them until the next year started and they could go to private school.  Well, everything changed with the words, "I don't want to be married to you anymore!"

I'm writing this blog at this time of year because I see so many of my friends going through tough times as single parents.  One in particular has had me praying very hard for her lately.  I feel compelled to pray for her at my every thought of her.  One of her sons is grown but she is still raising a teenager on her own.  All you folks who aren't single parents, don't believe for a second that it gets easier as the kids get older!  New ages, new challenges!  Don't even get me started about being a single parent with a kid and a learner's permit!  I still have nightmares where I try to use the invisible brake!  

This time of year can be especially hard on working single parents.  There is guilt because they aren't home enough.  Guilt they don't have enough money to spend (especially if the other parent does).  Guilt that they can't be home baking cookies and spreading decorations around the house in a fa la la la la festive way.  No, most of them are working long days, doing too many chores alone, shopping for gifts AND groceries at odd hours, and some are working night shifts and attempting to sleep during the day.

If you know a single parent, reach out to them today.  Find out if there is something you can do to help.  A gift is always nice, but there are other ways to help too.  Bake their Christmas cookies for them.  Offer to shop.  Keep their children while they go Christmas shopping so they won't have to do what I did with mine--I don't know how many times my kids fell for the old "ooh, we should get this for the Toys for Tots campaign" when I was actually buying their gifts with them in the cart.  My kids now think that trick was inspired and hard to believe they fell for it so many times.

Reach out to a single parent and show them some love and caring, especially if they don't have a strong support system.  We all need extra love and caring this time of year.  It's overwhelming!  But when you are a single parent, it can feel like you are drowning in quick sand.  

Some of the most amazing parents I know are single parents.  They have to be both parents; wipe away tears and heartbreak by themselves (some even caused by the other parent); do all the disciplining; and they have to work twice as hard to make things right.  They deserve special medals, you know!  I think "Super Parents" sounds much better than "Single Parents!"  For most of them, the "single" wasn't their choice!

By the way, my kids never did get to go to that private school.  I ended up homeschooling them for the rest of their education.  Their father and I became good friends and, although I did ALL the work, he provided for us (above the standard child support) and we all four engaged in a family night every week so we wouldn't have any awkwardness.  We spent the holidays together too, including his family and mine at our house on Christmas morning so our kids weren't shuffled back and forth.  It took some work, but it worked for us.  I'm thankful we were able to shrug off the tremendous hurt to be a family for our kids.  Not everyone can do that, I was blessed we could.  

The verses that helped me through those difficult years were 1 Peter 5:6-7 (NIV) "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for YOU."

Bless a Super Parent today!

Catherine Corley - Thanks for Comforting Me!

Yesterday, I had one of the worst days ever.  I was being hit from every direction and I never even left the house.  I have a week to go before a major medical test, my new medicines that are supposed to be helping me are making me sick in such a major way, I have fallen down the steps, my legs give out without notice, I can't exercise more than 20 minutes, sometimes I can't speak in actual words (which my family doesn't seem to mind!), my head pounds, my blood pressure is so high (where it is usually so low) that I can hear my heart beating in my head when I try to sleep and the worst side effect of all, I'm adjusting to HORMONES!  You get it!  Everything I touched broke, everything I did failed, and every time I tried to speak, not only did my words get mixed up, but so did my emotions!  I ended up in a pile on the floor crying my eyes out.

My wonderful son tried to help when I saw him.  He gave me the "Momma, you have overcome so much more than this in the last ten years!  Nothing can break you!" speech.  Lots of hugs followed, I thought I was going to be all right!

But then the waves of fear and emotion struck again, this time with yelling (from me, by the way, it was like I was being overtaken by aliens) and the whole "why me stuff."  I think that might be one of the steps in the grieving process.  Oh, and the answer to "Why me?" is "Why not me?  Who would I wish this on?  NO ONE!  So, yes me."  But moving on.  Easy to say now.

My sweet cousin, Ruth, spent the evening in my sitting room, listening to me intermittently crying, complaining, analyzing and then laughing silly while watching episodes of the "Mary Tyler Moore Show" on DVD.  She never passed judgment.  She just sat there latch hooking a rug and laughing at the show.  What would I do without my family?

The best part, I reached out on Facebook and a bunch of my friends sent me encouragement, love, happy thoughts, emails, text messages (on my not-so-smart phone) and verses.  Thank you for that!  I was able to sleep on and off during the night...did I mention I have had a cold now for almost two weeks?  But my thoughts weren't nearly as gloomy.  I felt comforted and I felt loved...so loved!  I have a wonderful group of friends, an awesome family and the comfort of an amazing God.

The verses that came into my head this morning were 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our trouble so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  He comforts us so we can comfort those in any trouble!  Wow!  That's so great!  We learn from being comforted.

I pray today, that from the comfort I received from God and my friends yesterday, that I will be fully ready to comfort someone in need today.  

I am thankful for a new day and the feeling of comfort I have.

Catherine Corley - Looking for Self-Worth and Confidence?

"Finally, brothers [or sisters], whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8 (NIV) 

It is no secret that I have been through my share of health problems in the past several years.  Too many to count.  I also gave up my career, from which I found much of my self-worth, in order to take care of my father for the last three years of his life.  I used to be a person who thought she could take on the world!  I was the first to rush in and the first to start devising the plan of attack.  But those days are a distant memory to me.

While an over abundance of self-worth, self-esteem and pride can be the downfall of even the best person; a lack of self-respect and those other qualities can also lead to the downfall of a person...like me.

For more than a decade, I worked as a paralegal and office manager in a small, but successful law firm.  Some days, I thought I ran the show and some days I thought I ran the world!  Just ask my friend and previous employer!  I went to work each day and felt so respected!  I loved meeting with clients and interacting with them.  Also, "my attorney" taught me everything I know about law, about running a business, about being a good person and about fighting fair.  He always treated me like an equal instead of an employee.  I enjoyed every day I worked there with him and marveled at the amount of successful work we did and the people we helped.  

After that firm dissolved, a huge chunk of my self-worth dissolved too. "My attorney" moved on and I did too.  I ran my own business for a while which ended in employment at a huge law firm.  I met some great people, but I didn't run the show anymore.  Also, I was new to the area of law I was involved in, I wasn't included in any decision making, and I was battling a life-threatening illness.  Those were some of the hardest days of my life and I was prominently placed in an area where I interacted with about a hundred people during the course of a day.  You can't hide anything when you are in the middle of everything.  This was the beginning of the end of my self-esteem.

I left that career of mine to take care of that father of mine!  What a blessing!  I was able to spend every day of the last three years of my father's life taking care of him and providing for his needs since he was unable to walk and take care of himself.  He lived with us and his smile lit up the house.  But, I rarely left this house and, although I was doing a wonderful thing, again, my confidence took another nosedive.  

I didn't know how to act in public since I rarely left the walls of my own home.  I didn't even know how to dress anymore.  What?  We can't wear pantyhose?  When did that happen?

After my father died, I became very ill again.  A year in bed battling an infection I hadn't paid attention to while doing Dad's hospice, almost took me from this world.  I gained a lot of weight and I lost most of the use of my muscles.  I couldn't even sit up in a dining room chair without being propped up.  Talk about no self-confidence.  I was less than the least.  I felt useless.  I thought I would never make a comeback this time!  My whole "self-everything" was gone.  I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.

But the Bible says, in Hebrews 10:35-36 (NIV) "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised." 

I started fighting back and started to persevere!  I'm thankful God gave me the strength and courage!  Physical therapy exercises lead to regular exercises which lead to running.  One push up while my oatmeal was in the microwave for two minutes lead to 45 push ups in two minutes!  One day at a time, I lost the weight, gained the muscle and found some of my self-esteem.  I ended up stronger and weighing less than I had in 20 years.  

A new me and a new wardrobe that fit made me feel better about myself, but really, it is what I learned about feeling good on the inside.  The confidence I get from knowing who I am rather than what I am.  I'm not a successful paralegal and probably never will be again.  But I am teaching people to lose weight, which I think is very important.  I am overcoming health obstacles each day and helping my cousin battle her challenges head on too!  

Also, I am the "matriarch" of a wonderful, amazing family.  (I love that old word "matriarch"!)  I'm not the same kind of matriarch my grandmother was in her sensible shoes and gray hair.  No, I have my flashy red hair and my Vera Wang jeans!  But I am still the loving female in a leading role of this sitcom I call my family which is what I love best.  My family has helped me through all those bad days and I love them more than I can express in words.  I am so proud of them!

I still don't leave the house much, and I wasn't interacting with people other than my family and closest friends.  I was rarely in large groups, until my lovely cousin, Ruth, came to live with me.  Then I returned with her to our childhood church and I started seeing people again.  I started interacting with groups of people again.  I also attend Weight Watchers' meetings with Ruth and have a whole new set of friends.

My self-worth is really not where it should be, YET.  I battle self-doubt at every move.  I hesitate before I make dinner.  Second guess every decision.  I try on several outfits each day to see which one makes me feel better about myself.  I wanted to write a blog for years, but that voice inside my head screamed, "You aren't good enough!  Who will want to read what you write?"  

What does the Bible say about this?  Well, a lot!  First of all, Psalm 139:4 (NIV) says "I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  

It's easy for me to point that out to my oldest friend in the world over and over again, but not so easy to say it to myself even once.

1 Samuel 16:7b (NIV) says "...The LORD does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."  

So why do I try on 15 outfits before I go to church on Sunday mornings?

If you battle feelings of inferiority or question your self-worth, stop!  Look at yourself for who you truly are!  Count your blessings!  Ask someone who loves you what your strengths are and believe them!  Enjoy your life!  This isn't a dress rehearsal!

Here are some additional verses, in case I didn't hook you in yet!  Enjoy your day and take care of your heart!

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Ephesians 1:3 (NIV) "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ."

Jeremiah 17:7 (NIV) "But blessed is the man [or woman] who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him."

Proverbs 3:26 (NIV) "For the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared."

Isaiah 32:17 (NIV) "The fruit of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever."

1 John 5:14 (NIV) "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us."

Catherine Corley - Lavished With Wisdom and Understanding

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace, that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."  Ephesians 1:7-8 (NIV)  

These two short verses give us so many promises from God.  Let's pretend we are back in school and take each part of this verse and analyze it with the help of the Holy Spirit.

First, we have redemption through His blood.  That is just glorious!  Redemption, the deliverance from sin; salvation; atonement for guilt.  Then, we have the forgiveness of sins.  He doesn't just deliver us from our sins, but He forgives them, removes them from us as far as the east is from the west and forgets them!  

So He died to deliver us from our sins, forgive us of our sins and, then, through the riches of God's grace (the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God), He has lavished us with all wisdom and understanding.

I love that word "lavished."  Lavish means "to extend or give in great amounts or without limit."  Can you imagine?  Through the riches of His amazing grace, the God of the Universe gives to us, in great amounts AND without limit, all wisdom and understanding!

James 1:5-6 (NIV) says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown and tossed by wind." 

I don't know about you, but I have asked, begged and pleaded for wisdom and understanding and I know He gives it to me, in the amount I can handle, in spite of my tired brain.  Every morning I ask for clarity.  I want to learn every day more and more about Him and what He expects from me and desires for me.  

I dissect verses every morning and look up words in the dictionary, even if I know what they mean.  Sometimes, when you have the verse written out and have all the meanings of various key words written out with them, it can overwhelm your heart with joy and, best of all, wisdom and understanding.

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O Lord, grant us wisdom and understanding today so we may learn more about You and how to serve You better.  Please keep our eyes open to Your spiritual truths.  Give us opportunities to serve You, even in small, unexpected ways, as we go about our day.  In the name of Jesus, Amen.