Catherine Corley - Looking for Self-Worth and Confidence?

"Finally, brothers [or sisters], whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8 (NIV) 

It is no secret that I have been through my share of health problems in the past several years.  Too many to count.  I also gave up my career, from which I found much of my self-worth, in order to take care of my father for the last three years of his life.  I used to be a person who thought she could take on the world!  I was the first to rush in and the first to start devising the plan of attack.  But those days are a distant memory to me.

While an over abundance of self-worth, self-esteem and pride can be the downfall of even the best person; a lack of self-respect and those other qualities can also lead to the downfall of a person...like me.

For more than a decade, I worked as a paralegal and office manager in a small, but successful law firm.  Some days, I thought I ran the show and some days I thought I ran the world!  Just ask my friend and previous employer!  I went to work each day and felt so respected!  I loved meeting with clients and interacting with them.  Also, "my attorney" taught me everything I know about law, about running a business, about being a good person and about fighting fair.  He always treated me like an equal instead of an employee.  I enjoyed every day I worked there with him and marveled at the amount of successful work we did and the people we helped.  

After that firm dissolved, a huge chunk of my self-worth dissolved too. "My attorney" moved on and I did too.  I ran my own business for a while which ended in employment at a huge law firm.  I met some great people, but I didn't run the show anymore.  Also, I was new to the area of law I was involved in, I wasn't included in any decision making, and I was battling a life-threatening illness.  Those were some of the hardest days of my life and I was prominently placed in an area where I interacted with about a hundred people during the course of a day.  You can't hide anything when you are in the middle of everything.  This was the beginning of the end of my self-esteem.

I left that career of mine to take care of that father of mine!  What a blessing!  I was able to spend every day of the last three years of my father's life taking care of him and providing for his needs since he was unable to walk and take care of himself.  He lived with us and his smile lit up the house.  But, I rarely left this house and, although I was doing a wonderful thing, again, my confidence took another nosedive.  

I didn't know how to act in public since I rarely left the walls of my own home.  I didn't even know how to dress anymore.  What?  We can't wear pantyhose?  When did that happen?

After my father died, I became very ill again.  A year in bed battling an infection I hadn't paid attention to while doing Dad's hospice, almost took me from this world.  I gained a lot of weight and I lost most of the use of my muscles.  I couldn't even sit up in a dining room chair without being propped up.  Talk about no self-confidence.  I was less than the least.  I felt useless.  I thought I would never make a comeback this time!  My whole "self-everything" was gone.  I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.

But the Bible says, in Hebrews 10:35-36 (NIV) "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised." 

I started fighting back and started to persevere!  I'm thankful God gave me the strength and courage!  Physical therapy exercises lead to regular exercises which lead to running.  One push up while my oatmeal was in the microwave for two minutes lead to 45 push ups in two minutes!  One day at a time, I lost the weight, gained the muscle and found some of my self-esteem.  I ended up stronger and weighing less than I had in 20 years.  

A new me and a new wardrobe that fit made me feel better about myself, but really, it is what I learned about feeling good on the inside.  The confidence I get from knowing who I am rather than what I am.  I'm not a successful paralegal and probably never will be again.  But I am teaching people to lose weight, which I think is very important.  I am overcoming health obstacles each day and helping my cousin battle her challenges head on too!  

Also, I am the "matriarch" of a wonderful, amazing family.  (I love that old word "matriarch"!)  I'm not the same kind of matriarch my grandmother was in her sensible shoes and gray hair.  No, I have my flashy red hair and my Vera Wang jeans!  But I am still the loving female in a leading role of this sitcom I call my family which is what I love best.  My family has helped me through all those bad days and I love them more than I can express in words.  I am so proud of them!

I still don't leave the house much, and I wasn't interacting with people other than my family and closest friends.  I was rarely in large groups, until my lovely cousin, Ruth, came to live with me.  Then I returned with her to our childhood church and I started seeing people again.  I started interacting with groups of people again.  I also attend Weight Watchers' meetings with Ruth and have a whole new set of friends.

My self-worth is really not where it should be, YET.  I battle self-doubt at every move.  I hesitate before I make dinner.  Second guess every decision.  I try on several outfits each day to see which one makes me feel better about myself.  I wanted to write a blog for years, but that voice inside my head screamed, "You aren't good enough!  Who will want to read what you write?"  

What does the Bible say about this?  Well, a lot!  First of all, Psalm 139:4 (NIV) says "I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  

It's easy for me to point that out to my oldest friend in the world over and over again, but not so easy to say it to myself even once.

1 Samuel 16:7b (NIV) says "...The LORD does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."  

So why do I try on 15 outfits before I go to church on Sunday mornings?

If you battle feelings of inferiority or question your self-worth, stop!  Look at yourself for who you truly are!  Count your blessings!  Ask someone who loves you what your strengths are and believe them!  Enjoy your life!  This isn't a dress rehearsal!

Here are some additional verses, in case I didn't hook you in yet!  Enjoy your day and take care of your heart!

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Ephesians 1:3 (NIV) "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ."

Jeremiah 17:7 (NIV) "But blessed is the man [or woman] who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him."

Proverbs 3:26 (NIV) "For the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared."

Isaiah 32:17 (NIV) "The fruit of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever."

1 John 5:14 (NIV) "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us."